Nurturing Our Spirited Children
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How The 'Experts' Define Spirited/High-Need

Here is a brief summary of what a few "experts" (Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, William Sears, Linda Budd & Stanley Turecki) consider to be the defining characteristics or personality traits of our wonderful children. Each uses slightly different terminology and labels, but basically it's the same. I say "experts" because I believe that the only true experts of our kids are US!! - we're each the expert on our own child/children. This information has been summarized here for educational purposes *only*.

I've read (and re-read) these four books. They each take a different perspective, but all are focused on helping parents, and their kids, understand what's driving the "spirited/high-needs" child's behavior and how parents can work with their child to create and nurture a positive, healthy, loving relationship.



Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

"Raising Your Spirited Child" book and workbook

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book is geared toward children of toddler/preschool age on up. Her work is especially helpful once your child is able to communicate. Mary is a licensed teacher and parent educator with 15+ years experience as director of Minnesota's Early Childhood Family Education programs and the founder of their "spirited children" workshops. She lives in Eagan, MN.  

Raising Your Spirited Child Workshop Discussion & Book Review (Note: These links each open a new browser window, they do not change the page on this window. When you're done reading, simply close the new window.)

The "Spirited Child" main characteristics are:

INTENSITY (loud and dramatic-focused outward, quiet and intently observant - focused inward),

PERSISTENCE ("lock in" to important ideas, love to debate, goal oriented),


SENSITIVITY (easily overstimulated by their environment, low sensory thresholds to any of the five senses),

PERCEPTIVENESS (easily distracted, notice everything going on all the time),

ADAPTIBILITY (don't transition/shift from one activity to another easily), with

REGULARITY natural schedules for eating or sleeping),

ENERGY (physically active, busy exploring all the time),

FIRST REACTION (quick withdrawl when first encountering anything new), and

MOOD (as in moody) as "bonus" characteristics.

In other words, spirited children are "more" of each characteristic.

The Book List w/ Reviews page includes parent reviews of this and other books by this author.


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Dr. William and Martha Sears

"Parenting the Fussy Baby and High-Need Child", "The Fussy Baby", "The Discipline Book", "The Baby Book"....

The Sears' are the the Attachment Parenting gurus. The story of their own high-need child, Hayden, is beautifully told in The Fussy Baby Book. They've written over 20 parenting books. Their focus is mostly on babies from birth through early-school, but the Discipline Book covers up to age 10. Dr. Bill is a pediatrician and Martha is a registered nurse and certified childbirth educator. They live in So. California.

The Fussy Baby Book Review (Note: This link opens a new browser window, it does not change the page on this window. When you're done reading, simply close the new window.)

askdrsears.com Ask Dr. Sears' Fussy Baby Index of articles & tips.

The "High-Need" characteristics are:

INTENSE (cry more, demand immediate responses, feed/nurse voraciously),

HYPERACTIVE (high energy level-not the disorder),

DRAINING (use up lots of parents' energy, exhausting to parent),

FEEDS FREQUENTLY (especially applicable to babies and nursing),

DEMANDING (of parents and their energy),

AWAKENS FREQUENTLY (needs less sleep, especially during the day),

UNSATISFIED (no matter what you do, it doesn't improve their fussiness),

UNPREDICTABLE (including extreme mood swings),

SUPERSENSITIVE (keenly aware of their environment, quickly overstimulated),

UNABLE TO PUT DOWN (especially when babies),

UNCUDDLY (touch is overstimulating, or hates to be confined, but is cuddly),

NOT A SELF-SOOTHER (bonds to people, not objects),

SEPARATION-SENSITIVE ("velcro baby", doesn't like new people/places).

The Book List w/ Reviews page includes parent reviews of this and other books by this author.


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Linda S. Budd

"Living With The Active Alert Child"

Linda Budd is a practicing psychologist who specializes in working with children and their parents. She lives in St. Paul, MN where she consults.

"Living With The Active Alert Child" Book Review (Note: This link opens a new browser window, it does not change the page on this window. When you're done reading, simply close the new window.)

{Note: I've been told that not all spirited children are active-alert, but all active-alert children are spirited}

The "Active Alert Child" eleven traits are:

ACTIVE physically, needs little sleep, can't slow themselves down without help),

ALERT 4 components are: 1 - keen observers, 2 - no boundaries for self [become overstimulated as they explore everything], 3 - no boundaries for others [get what they want as they intrude on other's space], 4 - no sense of boundaries in the form of rules for appropriate behavior [detect unfairness, but don't always whether or not to try to get their own way],

BRIGHT gifted, high IQ),

<CONTROLLING (have high need for control, highly verbal),

FEARFUL (afraid of new situations, unable to make transitions),

INTENSE (life is also black or white, happy or sad - no gray areas),

ATTENTION-HUNGRY (performers, stimulus-hungry feeding on external stimulation),

TROUBLE GETTING ALONG WITH OTHERS (doesn't easily recognize social/non-verbal cues, controlling),

FLUCTUATION SELF-ESTEEM (tendency to base their worth upon feedback received from other people, receive more negative messages from others),

PERFORMERS (charming, delightful, charismatic leaders),

EMPATHIC ABILITY "does your child read your mind?", is a barometer of your own or others' emotions).

The Book List w/ Reviews page includes parent reviews of this and other books by this author.


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Stanley Turecki, M.D.

"The Difficult Child"

Dr. Turecki is a child and family psychiatrist and the father of a "difficult" child. He developed the Difficult Child Program for Beth Israel Med. Ctr. in NYC.

The Difficult Child Book Review (Note: This link opens a new browser window, it does not change the page on this window. When you're done reading, simply close the new window.)

The "Difficult Child" temperment is:

HIGH ACTIVITY LEVEL (restless, fidgety, hates to be confined, always moving),

DISTRACTIBILITY (trouble concentrating and paying attention),

HIGH INTENSITY (loud and forceful whether miserable, angry or happy),

IRREGULARITY (unpredictable, no schedule for eating/sleeping),

NEGATIVE PERSISTENCE (stubborn, gets "locked in", may have long tantrums),

LOW SENSORY THRESHOLD (sensitive-physically not emotionally, highly aware of environment, creative, strong preferences),

INITIAL WITHDRAWL (shy and reserved with new people/situations),

POOR ADAPTABILITY (trouble with transition and change of activity or routine),

NEGATIVE MOOD (basically serious, not a sunny disposition, may be cranky)

The Book List w/ Reviews page includes parent reviews of this and other books by this author.

Dr. Turecki and Mary Sheedy Kurcinka have actual quizzes in their books. Linda Budd lists 20 questions to answer.

I hope that this information helps to begin answering some of your questions, but it's only a place to start. The books are available at most local libraries, local bookstores (they can order them if they're not in stock), or at an on-line bookstore.

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